This is a very timely subject. I have trained for a year for the New York City Marathon and should have already been in New York to be enjoying it right now. But….Hurricane Sandy blew into town and put a damper on all of that – literally.
It’s been a week of ups and downs – not knowing if it was going to be held and then elation when it was announced that it was still going to be held. So I got busy changing plans and making/confirming reservations. That was teamwork for sure – people all around me helped me get organized and know who to call and in what order (I mean why change plane reservations if I had no place to stay so you start by finding out if the hotel is operational etc). I am so grateful to everyone who worked with me this week (and all year actually – more on that in another post).
Yesterday I spent putting the final touches on my packing and getting things ready in the house etc. I actually finished and had the suitcase in the car and my knapsack by the door.
I sat down to wait for my EFT appointment with Kay and had some time so I started looking at the New York City papers online. That’s when the Universe continued to pull things together for me. I had been most concerned about figuring out how I was going to get from the airport into the city with the traffic problems (on a weekday). But when I started reading the comments about how it was wrong to have the marathon this weekend, my conscience kicked in again (it had been wondering about the propriety of doing this in the face of such devastation but I kept rationalizing that they did it after 9/11 – but that was 6 weeks later, not a few days).
I was even more conflicted by the time my appointment came.
So, instead of talking to Kay about my fears about the race, we talked about my indecision and my not knowing what the right thing to do was. By the time we were done tapping, I had become more at peace with a decision not to go. Why? Well, I felt it was selfish of me to go to fulfill something personal and not pay attention to the grief and troubles facing the entire region. Yes, my not going was not going to change the world or the event but it was me living up to what I felt. I can’t explain it and maybe that means I made the wrong decision. I really don’t know but it doesn’t matter now because I hit the “cancel” button so it’s done.
Kay was great in telling me something so vital in dealing with the pain I felt (I have never felt such pain – it was definitely multi-factorial). Abraham says “Make a decision and make it right”. I am trying to do that.
So, why am I hurting so much? Why is there such pain for a simple race? What am I really feeling?
Disappointment, loss, grief, feeling of letting others down (it’s even worse because I found out afterwards that my personal trainer is going to NY and was doing that to surprise me and also propose to his girlfriend – I felt really bad after that but there was nothing I could do), emptiness, “what now-ness” (my term), sense of failure, incompletion, etc.
How do I deal with this disappointment?
So many things pop into my head but they are all just jumbled….
What do you think? Comment below….
Terrie
Just got back a little while ago from a great trail run. It started out pretty lousy in the park where I started running a year ago and I began with the self-doubts again. But soon I was able to move over to the trail and then get into the peace and quiet of a beautiful trail run and just “lost” myself in it and felt rejuvenated again. Running is like a strong drug for me and I’m so grateful and appreciative that I’m able to run again after so many years of not being able to.
